The Trainwreck Chronicles

I’m not sure if what’s happening can be construed as true insomnia, but lately my sleep patterns have been ridiculous. Granted, my schedule is reversed, caused by working until 2 am or later on some nights, but what’s happening is we’ll go to bed somewhere in the vicinity of 4 am and although tired, I don’t fall asleep easily. Once I do, I’ll sleep for maybe two hours and be wide awake (like I am now). After an hour or so of that, I’ll pass out again until 2 in the afternoon.

Being unemployed sucks. I miss having a real schedule. Granted, I’m waiting to hear back on two new gigs, which would keep me up 3+ nights a week, but also provide a decent income.

Sadly this is not a “career.” I want to be a seamstress. And be taken care of by a husband otherwise.

Sigh. He’s wonderful, but he can’t do that.

I feel like something is missing and I can’t put my finger on it.

And him. HIM. He still haunts my thoughts. And he still hasn’t spoken to me. It’s been close to a month.

Trich is pretty bad right now. Stress related. Living at home eats it.

Just out of sorts.

My mom made a comment today about how I don’t seem “enamored” with my current beau.

I guess I’m not.

I become obsessed/fall in love quickly with assholes/guys who treat me badly. Those are the ones I talk about incessantly. Tim treats me with kindness, respect and love like no one has before and I don’t know how to handle it completely.

Abuse is the only love I know.

It’s hard to be all mooshy and lovey because he treats me like my best friends do. It’s like I can’t associate it with romance. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, too. And now that I have it, it’s surreal.

And I feel like part of me still pushes it away because it’s not normal.

Trick
Oh
Till
Oh
Main
E
Yuh.

Hello, old friend. It’s been a while.